Tears Don't Come Anymore
by Dancewithsomebody1775
Summary: "Brittany this has to stop." She's not asking you she's telling you. "I love you." It was the only thing you could say. She hadn't said it to you in so long and you needed her to say it back. "Me too. Too much." You know what she means and your upset she can't say it back. Trigger Warning! Brittana!
1. Chapter 1

The tears don't come anymore. You know they don't help anything. You walk ever so casually to the girl's locker room and grab your backpack, front pocket, that little blue bag. You stole the exacto knife from the science lab and it is by far the best tool for this job, you never leave home without it. You hear voices so you walk into a stall and wait it out.

"What was coach yelling at Brittany about?" You hear Santana ask. She sounds really worried for you.

"I think it was her grades." Quinn answers. "I don't think she's going to be able to stay on the squad."

"Shit I have to find her."

"Don't you think you should give her some space? She might be embarrassed."

"Space is the last thing she needs." You put your feet up so she won't be able to see you in the stall, and your friends leave the room.

Finally you are able to unwind from that horrible talk with Coach Sylvester.

"64." You whisper to yourself as you make the cut right below the hairband on your wrist. It makes you feel better to count. There are three still healing underneath it and you give them a blank stare as blood starts to slowly trickle out of the fresh wound.

"Stupid." You utter before grabbing your sweatshirt from your bag and returning the knife to the blue bag in the front pocket.

"Brittany!" Santana sounds frantic in her search for you.

You walk out of the stall because you hate to hear her so upset. She knows what you've done. She doesn't yell this time like she sometimes does; she just runs to you and pulls you into a hug. You sigh because you know you've let her down. She kisses your forehead and snakes her arm around your waist as she leads you out of the locker room. You get in the passenger's seat and the two of you drive in silence to her house.

Her eyes are shimmering with withheld tears as she grabs her first aid kit and rubs Neosporin on your wrist. You both know its not necessary, but it makes her feel better. She sees the others and looks up at you. All you want to do is look away, and so you do. Her disappointment is too much for you to handle. You get a hello kitty bandaid that you know are only in her medicine cabinet for you. She is holding your wrist as she pulls you onto her bed. Her tiny body manages to hold yours as the big spoon while you lay there with her head nestled between your shoulder blades. You almost wish she would say something, but when she does, it makes you want to cry.

"I love you Brittany." She says it like she doesn't think you love her back. She says it like she's begging you to be okay. You turn around to face her.

"I love you so much." You are sincere but know she doesn't believe you, and why should she? She doesn't deserve someone so… so broken.

Mrs. Lopez calls for dinner and the two of you move from the bed for the first time in hours.

"Hi girls! How was everyone's day at school?" Santana smiled and said fine and you parrot her as you sat down.

"Brittany sweetheart it's springtime. She gestures to your sweatshirt and you tug on the sleeves out of nervous habit.

"I get cold really easily Mrs. L." You look down, knowing how ashamed Santana must be of you right now.

"I can turn down the air conditioning if it will make you more comfortable." She is the kindest woman.

"No no it's okay. I'm fine in my hoodie."

Santana doesn't say a word to you after dinner. You call your mom to tell her you are spending the night; both knowing you shouldn't be alone. You silently get ready for bed.

"I love you Brittany." She kisses you on top of your head as she leans over to turn out the light.

"I love you." She grabs you with force, like she's afraid you'll fade away. You don't blame her. "I'm sorry." You say quietly before you close your eyes.


	2. Chapter 2

A big red letter F was waiting for you on your desk when you walk into English class. Your wrist itches underneath your long sleeve tee shirt as if at the sight of your failures you are reminded of another one. Santana comes over from her conversation with Quinn and sees the failing grade. She links your pinky with hers and sits down in the desk next to you.

Five minutes into the class and you have already stopped listening; nobody cares about Shakespeare. You start looking at Santana in her chair next to you. She is so beautiful and you really want to kiss her, but she's mad at you right now and she doesn't want everyone to know about you two just yet. Plus it's the middle of English. All factors are against you. The bell rings and you, her, and Quinn make your way to glee club.

"Sex is not dating." You half hear her say. You aren't really listening to the phone conversation with the glee kids because you know she is listening for the both of you, but this one caught your attention. You hate that she has sex with other people. You think what if sex did mean dating and you blurt.

"If it were, Santana and I would be dating." The look she gives you is enough to know you really fucked up. You hope for her sake that your friends in glee just take your comment as another stupid Brittanyism. She goes back to the conversation you all are having on the phone, she is so good at masking her feelings. You picked that up from her. A soon as your conversation ends; she pulls you forcefully under the stairwell. You guys used to make out there a lot freshman year, but she got too scared people would see. You know you aren't there to make out right now so you start to worry. You don't expect her reaction. You think she's going to yell, but instead she says those beautiful words.

"I love you Brittany." She looks so sad. "I wish I had the courage to date you."

I want to ask why she fucks guys if she really loves me but I don't. There is no need to be mean when she is trying to apologize. You tug on your sleeve and she notices, she always notices.

"Do you do this because of me?" Her eyes start to well up. You have known for a while that she thinks that. You just want to shake her and tell her no if it will stop her from crying, but then you think about last week when she came to your house after having sex with Puck. You could smell him on her, you could feel her shame and it was enough. You waited for her to fall asleep and you quietly grabbed the knife from your little blue bag. Your lack of an answer was an answer in itself and she pulled you into a hug.

"I wish I could be better for you." You hug her back, trying to tell her without words that even though sometimes she does this to you, she is the best thing for you. You don't think she gets it. "Do you want to spend some time apart?" She asks.

"I love you." Is all you say back. She curls her pinky around yours and you head towards the choir room.

"We need to be there for Quinn." She changes the subject. "I think all hell is about to break loose." And she was not wrong.

You, Santana and Quinn retreat to the Lima Bean after school. Quinn's eyes are red and puffy, she's been crying all day. Santana sits next to her and strokes her arm in attempt to comfort her. They don't always get along, but today Quinn really needs a friend and the brunette knows it. You don't understand how people could possibly think Santana is a bitch.

"We will never win at sectionals without him and Mr. Schuester." The other blonde says for like the tenth time today. Finn threw a fit and quit glee and Mr. Schue can't compete, so she's kind of right.

"There are more important things to worry about in this situation sweetie." Santana makes an obvious eye movement to Quinn's pregnant stomach. You stop paying attention at this point. Quinn doesn't want or need the advice of Santana's stupid sidekick. You are just there because Santana is. You think about how Santana was willing to spend some time apart to help you feel better. Does she think that's what you need? No, you know that she knows what you need. But she can't give it to you and that's okay. She shouldn't have to just to make you feel better about yourself. Your wrist itches with that uncomfortable pain that you have grown so accustom to. You grip your hair tie and snap it back on your cut a couple times. Santana said she read about people who curb the urge to cut by snapping their hairband on their wrist. For you it was a good way to stop the itch, but keep the pain. You can see in her eyes the instant she sees you doing it and looks at you, but she doesn't stop what she is saying to Quinn.

She drops Quinn off and you are finally alone.

"What were you thinking about in there?" You fight the urge to say you were thinking about her. That is not an answer she needs to hear. You distract her with a question.

"Sue says I can stay on the Cheerios even though my grades suck. Did you do something?" She smiles at you.

"I just reminded her that you are our best dancer and we don't stand a chance in the world without you. That's all it took for her to pull some strings with Figgins. That bitch doesn't like to lose." You can feel the red in your cheeks as she reaches for your hand. "It is only valid until the end of the semester though. So we need to work on your grades." You love that she says we.

You not so casually let her know that your mom isn't home and her big brown eyes flutter ever so slightly. You think about how much you've been screwing up lately and you love her for still loving you. You barely make it to the couch before she kisses you. Your heart feels like it jumped into your throat like it does every time her mouth is on yours.

You glance at the clock and read 5:45, and your mom will be home in 15 minutes. Santana had fallen asleep completely naked on top of you and you don't think your mother would like to walk in the door to this. You wiggle your arm free to gently shake her awake. Her eyes open and she smiles when she sees you.

"I love you Brittany."


End file.
